Awards for music and sound should have not have been Oscars, but prison sentences. Not one film score was memorable and have not been for decades, concocted insidiously through the laugh-track technique of synthesizers, offering for the most part annoying discordant cords, but without the main ingredient, melody (that takes talent, or at least the knowledge and deft manipulation of Beethoven, Mozart, Verdi et al). Moreover, I have not been able, even with the volume at maximum, to understand the words spoken by most actors in any films made since 1990. They are allowed to mumble, swallow and gulp, without pronunciation, articulation or projection and delivery (through diaphragm exercises apparently long ago abandoned by speech instructors) the words of any script. The sound people also should not have received Oscars, but copy spikes driven into each of their ears to clean out the wax and the sounds of their own inner, garbled voices.

The actors themselves are basically throw-away commodities, one straight-haired blonde looking like another, one dark-haired, lamp-jawed actor looking like another and all with the same personality—none. As has been the case in publishing, where publishers today pick up for small change a non-entity writer to hammer out a sensational theme—banking on the theme to carry the commerce and not the reputation of a writer, who is not perpetuated into later becoming an expensive re-investment—actors appear in films that cost $100 million to make and whose commercial success is cored on themes, not the abilities of the actor/actress, albeit these Stepford icons receive millions for their instantly forgettable roles. In the eyes of the producers, these actors/actresses are simply anonymous creatures (whose synthetic charisma could be easily duplicated through digital enhancement, a technique already in expanding progress) riding in a vehicle bent on fiery destruction that is expected to translate into substantial box office returns. Those returns, however, are diminishing, even from the mindless millions of the inner cities that have thrived on bloody violence, mental decay and the abandonment of all gods and principles, simply out of boredom from endlessly repetitive product. All of this was in evidence in last night’s Academy Awards Anonymous.

The very thing that Hollywood has done best at these annual bloat-outs was sadly and haphazardly patched and pieced together—their clips from past and current film product. Last night’s clips were not presented with any cohesive or compelling visual concepts, and, unlike those in the past, were so inexpertly clipped in brevity as to prevent universal recognition. Those performing this chore apparently have no appreciation or understanding of their own historic content. Ruth Warrick and Ruth Hussey, who died last year, two of the most talented and beautiful actresses ever to appear on the screen, were not even included in the clips showing the passing of filmdom’s important personages. That series ended with the only prolonged clips offered for this sequence, that of Richard Pryor, a fairly good comedian, but whose lifestyle was larger than his film career and decidedly unsavory, fraught with crime and drugs. Was this another “statement” from Hollywood?

The tone of the entire show was one of sly contempt for the very source of the industry’s revenues, the public: “We’re Hollywood, and you are not.”

I felt keen embarrassment for my friend, Lauren Bacall, who found it impossible to read her script from the mismanaged teleprompter, another technical insult from the people who presented this slop-filled trough. I’m sure they really didn’t give a damn about “the old broad.” Why should they? She’s on her way out, she’s going West soon to join Bogie, whoever he is.

Well, let another writer sum it all up:

        The age demanded that we dance

        And jammed us into iron pants

        And in the end the age was handed

        The sort of s--- that it demanded.

               -- Ernest Hemingway, This Quarter, 1923

I’ve decided not to make any Oscar picks this year because I consider most of the nominated movies and actors not up to previous standards. And when I say previous, I mean 1930s and 1940s. Is there any actor today up to Fredric March or Spencer Tracy? Any actress up to Katharine Hepburn or Ingrid Bergman? Any movie up to “Casablanca” or “The Best Years of Our Lives”? High standards, yes, but why not? My guess is, Hollywood today lacks the maturity of even the 1980s Academy Awards nominations.

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The Catherine Cookson Collection

The Brits are up to the standards of the best movies of the past with the release of this 4-DVD boxed set featuring dramatizations of four best-selling novels by Catherine Cookson, a modern-day Charles Dickens. My favorite of the set is the long-awaited DVD release of “The Wingless Bird,” an exquisite love story set against British class struggles of the early 1900s. Treat yourself to this set just to see this movie and you will long remember the three-way love affair of Claire Skinner, Edward Atterton, and Julian Wadham. The other movies in the set are also memorable: “The Fifteen Streets” with Sean Bean as the son of a brawling father on the docks of southern England; “The Rag Nymph,” about a rag lady who takes a 10-year-old street urchin under her wing in a touching relationship story; and “The Moth,” with Jack Davenport and Juliet Aubrey in a romance set in rural England in 1913. From Acorn Media.

Max’s rating: Four paws up and lots of tail wags.

Also recommended this month:

A Perfect Spy

John le Carre’s “exquisitely and ruthlessly absorbing” (Washington Post) tale of international intrigue, seen on PBS’s Masterpiece Theatre, is offered by BBC and Acorn Media in a 3-DVD boxed set. Peter Egan stars as British agent Magnus Pym in this 7-episode 390-minute spy adventure with a strong supporting cast including Dame Peggy Ashcroft, Alan Howard, and Sarah Badel. From BBC and Acorn Media.

The Hanging Gale

One of my favorite British actors, Michael Kitchen, stars in this drama about the Great Famine in 1840s Ireland. Young Brit actors and brothers Joe, Mark, and Stephen McGann co-star as brothers torn between nonviolent protest and bloody revolt because of injustices in the landholding system during the potato famine. Kitchen plays a new land manager who tries to uphold the law while appealing for reforms to help suffering tenant farmers. The 2-DVD boxed set, originally seen on the Bravo TV channel, is from Acorn Media.

The Irish R.M.

Series 3 offers more adventures of a retired British army officer serving as resident magistrate in early 1900s West Ireland. Peter Bowles (“To the Manor Born”) stars in six episodes not seen on the PBS Masterpiece Theatre telecast of the series, each adapted for television by Rosemary Anne Sisson whose other scriptwriting credits include “Upstairs, Downstairs” and “The Duchess of Duke Street.” From Acorn Media.

Rosemary & Thyme

The gardening ladies who dabble in amateur crime-solving are back in Series Two of the popular Brit TV series. Rosemary Boxer (played by Felicity Kendal) and Laura Thyme (Pam Ferris) are in exotic gardens in England as well as on the French Riviera and Italy’s Ligurian coast when they put down their sun hats and trade them for Sherlock Holmes caps to try solving some very mysterious crimes. Guest stars include Anthony Andrews of “Brideshead Revisited” fame; Mel Martin, lastingly memorable as the coquettish star of “Love for Lydia;” Phyllida Law (a favorite actress who in real life is the mother of Emma Thompson); and Julian Wadham who co-stars in “The Wingless Bird” in the aforementioned Catherine Coookson Collection. From Granada and Acorn Media.

The Last Musketeer

Robson Green, one of British television’s busiest, handsomest, and best young actors (“Wire in the Blood”) stars as an ex-convict who is tricked into taking part in a heist that could land him back in prison, this time for life. His skill as a top fencer who is cut from the British World Championship team takes him into hiding as fencing coach at a private girls’ school in Scotland. Will he manage to escape both the police and his former associates in crime, and find a new life and romance? We won’t spoil the adventure by telling, but recommend you see the off-beat crime thriller from Minotaur, Lance, and Koch Vision.

Tales of the Unexpected

My master and I love this series of half-hour mysteries with surprise endings, from the popular British TV series inspired by the master of macabre story-telling, Roald Dahl. Set 4 is a 3-DVD boxed set from Granada and Acorn Media, another mixture of dark humor with horror and fantasy, each with a surprise final twist. A kind of blend of Alfred Hitchcock and Twilight Zone, this new set stars David Suchet, Pauline Collins, Michael Jayston, Roy Marsden, Cyril Cusack, Patricia Routledge and other top British actors.

Windsor Castle: A Royal Year

For the first time ever, cameras went behind the scenes at the British royal family’s home palace, the largest inhabited castle in the world, with 900 rooms and that also is home to 300 people who live and work in it. As seen on PBS-TV, the 2-DVD set from BBC and Acorn Media offers intimate glimpses into castle life both above and below stairs over a year that culminates with the controversial wedding of Prince Charles to Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Around the World in 72 Days

No, not another telling of the Jules Verne adventure, but a docudrama about an American newspaper correspondent, Nellie Bly, who became world-famous for circum-navigating the globe in 72 days. The American Experience program seen on PBS-TV re-creates the adventures of Bly, who at the age of 25, became the most famous woman on earth while defying Victorian conventions by doing things a woman just wasn’t supposed to do – out-adventure men. From WGBH Boston Video.

"Mystic Lands" and "Europe to the Max"

Edward James Olmos narrates “Mystic Lands,” a 5-DVD boxed set of outstanding travelogues to 13 of the world’s most sacred places. The adventures are to Greece, Egypt, India, Bali, Jerusalem, Haiti, Burma, and to Peru and other Central and South American locations. DVD extras include an interview with the series’ Emmy-award-winning director, Chip Duncan. This is a fascinating “adventure of the soul” from Questar Entertainment. “Europe to the Max,” an excellent travel series also from Questar, offers several new entries this month including “London and Beyond,” “The Heart of France” (Paris, Provence, Burgundy, The Loire, and French Riviera) and “Wondrous Europe” (Copenhagen and Denmark, Stockholm and Sweden, Oslo and Norway). Host and guide Rudy Maxa covers it all… history, architecture, important places, culture, music, and food of these beautiful and fascinating regions.

Hurricane Katrina: The Storm That Drowned a City

A comprehensive hour-by-hour reconstruction of the August 29, 2005 hurricane that devastated the Gulf Coast, killing at least 1,300 people, destroying over 600,000 homes, and turned downtown New Orleans into a swamp. NOVA’s powerful documentary exposes crucial failures in preparation and engineering that led to the worst natural disaster in U.S. history. Called the most definitive presentation of the disaster, the DVD is from WGBG Boston Video.

“The Elaine Petrone Method” (Exercise)

Elaine Petrone was a young dancer when she was injured and told she would be lucky to walk without a limp again, let alone dance. In her quest to heal herself, she developed an exercise program that healed her injury, ended her physical pain, and changed her life.
For over 20 years she has been teaching doctors, therapists, and those in pain how to do the same. Now her program to find relief from backache, arthritis, stress, headache, and other maladies is on DVD, from Acorn Media. While I can’t say this is the cure you may have been waiting for, you could consider it and ask your doctor about it.

“Jim Brickman at the Magic Kingdom” (Music)
The popular pianist plays favorites from Walt Disney movies as well as his own in “The Disney Songbook,” taped at the entrance to the Magic Kingdom overlooking Cinderella’s castle at Walt Disney World. Guest performers include Michael Bolton, Linda Eder, Wayne Brady, and Lila McCann. From Walt Disney Records.

Zathura

Every video game-playing kid’s dream comes true in this fantasy-space adventure when two brothers play a mysterious game that propels them into outer space. There are lots of adventures as they try to find their way back home. From the novel by Chris van Allsburg who wrote The Polar Express. Kids will like this one. From Sony Pictures.

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes

More excellent children’s picture books transferred to DVD are offered in the new Scholastic Video Collection, this one featuring stories about families, adoption, and motherhood. Mia Farrow narrates the title story about a trip to China to adopt a baby girl. Other stories are about a Russian grandmother who asks for “no presents” for her birthday, but gets them; a girl’s story about two cats and three humans who live in her house; and “Uncle Elephant,” a bonus story by Arnold Lobel. From Scholastic Video.

Five Storybook Favorites

A painless way to introduce children to reading classic books is to show them this animated series from Koch Lorber Films/Koch Vision. They reminded my master of the wonderful Classic Comics and Classics Illustrated comic books from the 1940s that were comic book tellings of the great works of literature. The DVDs in this series include “Gulliver’s Travels,” “The Last of the Mohicans,” “Black Beauty,” “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,” and “The Gentlemen of Titipu” (based on the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta “The Mikado.”

"I Am Not a Target!" (Kid Safety)

The FBI receives 2,000 “missing child” reports every day, and since 1982 the number of missing children has increased by 468 percent. Children can learn how to protect themselves against predators with this DVD from American Home Treasures, a division of BFS Entertainment. Tips include how to spot tricks predators use to lure children, the most effective ways to fight back if snatched, words and body language to deter predators, and more.

Not really a bone this month, but a plug for my master’s new children’s book, THE TWO OF ME, a humorous novel for kids aged 8 to 12. Meggie Malone, 12, hates the killer schedule she’s on, so she clones herself. She sends her clone to school for her, has her clone do all her chores, and thinks her new carefree and unscheduled life is great.

She accidentally clones her dog, too, so imagine the chaos with two Meggies and two identical dogs in the house! Meggie then clones the entire sixth grade, for 10 bucks each, and they send their clones to class in their place. All goes well until the clones disappear, during lawn-mowing, baby-sitting, a big basketball game, and even while taking midterm exams. Then Meggie comes to think cloning wasn’t such a good idea after all because she’s put her clone into her life but taken herself out of it. Then how to unclone herself and the other kids? You can buy the book by Walter Oleksy at major books stores, online at amazon.com, or from the publisher, Publish America, at publishamerica.com. It’s a fun read, and would make a very funny movie, if I do say so myself. Woof Woof!

See you next month at the same fire hydrant.