A lot of people would like to go hunting but they lack the basic knowledge necessary to be successful. I decided that after 15 years of successful hunting in Arizona, I should share what I've learned.

SELECTING YOUR WEAPON

Forget everything you ever heard about guns. Assault Rifles are your best buy! Remember: You don't have to be a good shot if you have rapid fire.

Of course after you buy your assault rifle you'll need to get it modified. This can be a little tricky but again let me share ways to get the job done:

(1) If you already know a gun dealer or a gun repairman, give him a couple hundred dollars and just ask him to "fix it real good".

(2) Join a Gun Owners Association and attend local meetings. Usually after the second or third meeting you'll find someone that can "FIX" your gun.

(3) If you know a gang member, buy an assault rifle that has already been fixed.

(1) Have a truck with a camper shell, make sure you have extra lights on top (the type used for off road driving).

(2) Lots of blankets

(3) Several large knives and a meat cleaver.

(4) Two or three large "smoker" style Grills.

(5) Hollow Tip bullets.

(6) Wire cutters.

(7) A strong rope.

(8) A meat grinder.

(9) A gas powered Chain Saw.

After you get your gun, assemble a hunting team. I've found it is much better to go hunting with a group of friends. I recommend a group of 4 or 5 hunters. Again, remember the first rule, you don't have to be a good shot if you have rapid fire. 4 or 5 guys with assult rifles can always kill something.

This is the real tricky part. I've found farm land not too far from cities to be the best place to hunt.

Key points:

(1) Look for locations with good roads.

(2) Make sure that the roads aren't on the regular patrol route of the Sheriff or other law enforcement officials.

(3) Avoid forests or places with a lot of trees.

(4) Avoid State or Federal Land.

(5) Never hunt in the same area twice.

Reading and understanding the hidden meanings of signs is very important to the urban hunter. Just follow these helpful hints and you won't need a professional guide.

These signs tell you there are government officials with 2-way radios and telephones near by.

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These signs tell you there are no escape routes down this road. Even if everything else is OK, you always need a possible escape route!

This sign means you're too close to houses - same as Fire Stations, they have phones close at hand.

This is a very dangerous sign! People that go horse back riding always know you aren't from around there. They are usually sober and can give good descriptions of you to the Cops.

People who ride bikes are even worse than people that ride horses. Bike riders DON'T LIKE HUNTERS! A lot of them don't even eat meat!

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Really avoid these areas! People get really mean if they think you might shoot their kids. I have friends that have been shot at by irate parents!

Most people in the East and North don't know about this sign, but it means "illegal alien crossing". The Danger is that the Border Patrol will be close by. (And you know the rest, telephones, etc.)

In the Arizona Desert this sign means you are near irrigated farm land. This means no animals and lots of cotton.

In other parts of the country this could mean you are near a food source for animals and you should start looking for hunting sites.

In most places this will give you false hope of finding deer. However in the Northeastern United States it is a sure sign you've found a good hunting site for deer.

You can usually ignore these signs, as long as there are no houses or buildings nearby. Another key point to remember, the more bullet holes in the sign the less likely you are to be bothered.

There are actually three reasons for not killing birds and rabbits.

(1) They are hard to kill.

(2) If you do shoot them, especially with a hollow tip bullet, there is nothing left to eat.

(3) your wife and kids get real upset if you bring them home

In most parts of the country, deer are a pest. I find that I'm always welcomed if I go to a farm house and tell the farmer that I'd like to catch a few deer for my deer farm. Of course it is important to give him some money to compensate him for the loss of his deer. (I find the farmer and I get real twitchy right eyes and grin a lot during this part of the conversation.) He will then be glad to show you where the deer usually sleep at night.

Wait where the farmer showed you. About midnight, suddenly turn on all your truck lights and open fire. The deer will freeze the second they look into headlights and you'll have many easy kills.

After you've killed all the deer, cut off the rear third - thats the only good meat. (The Chain Saw will make quick work of this but it is a bit messy. Also, be sure to wear a cheap rain parka that you can through away when you're done.) Toss the meat in the back of the truck, cover with blankets and get going. Never stay more than an hour at your hunting grounds!

When you get home, skin the meet and smoke it. Or since deer meat is tough, get a meat grinder and grind it into hamburger.

All the previous stuff about deer was for people that want a hunting adventure, like to kill living things, and like deer meat. But if you are like me, I want steak! Hunting for steaks is what real hunting is all about.

BULLSEYE! (Well, almost.) You are close to your goal. The best time to hunt cattle is in the dark of night. The nice part is you can scout them out during the day just by driving down country roads. Look for cattle near water, that way you can be sure they'll still be there at night. Also the closer to the road the better. Another nice thing about cattle is they won't run away from you!

After you have found your spot come back about 10:00 PM - all farmers are in bed by then. Find the cows, cut the fence and shot! One or two dead cows are all you need. The next part is where you'll need your friends. Quickly gut the cows, tie the rope around their necks, and drag them to the truck. At the truck cut off the head and lower legs with the Chain Saw. Then toss the rest into the back of the pickup, cover with blankets and go!

When you get home get everybody to cut up sections of ribs and steaks. Tear the rest of the meat off the bone and grind it for hamburger. You, your friends, and your family will have enought beaf to eat for at least three or four weeks. Plus your dogs won't chew on your furniture because of all the bones they'll get.

I always carry fake photo ID's and a lot of cash whenever I hunt. My fake identity is from the Bronx in New York City. That way if I'm caught I can claim (in a thick Bronx accent), "I thought it was a deer!" or "I didn't know I needed a hunting permit!" Then I can offer to pay the farmer for the cow, give the sheriff money to cover the fine, etc. I think this would also work with ID's from L.A.

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