By Diana Morton
1. If you recognize immense animal suffering behind most exploits of man.
2. If you perceive meat-eating as a ravenously selfish, satanic ritual, wrought in cannibalism.
3. If you see nothing except screaming dead animal corpses on plates instead of great smelling meat
4. If you feel like a spy in the meat section of the grocery store.
5. If you feel incredibly sorry for animals all of the time.
6. If your heart literally aches for animals all of the time.
7. If you feel like you store an animal data bank in the left side of your brain.
8. If you take the side of the animal all of the time.
9. If you find it difficult to distinguish between a token domestic and a factory-farmed animal.
10. If you are willing to be made a laughing stock to rescue one animal.
11. If you want to vomit when they start talking in code: hamburger, steak, ham, pork, hot dog, etc.
12. If you want to vomit when they pray sanctimoniously over tortured, butchered animal corpses and utter, "Thank you, Jesus!"
13. If you can't think of any place to go because you suspect an animal may have suffered somewhere down the line.
14. If people start to whisper when you are near about who they had for dinner.
15. If you empathize at all times with the eternal suffering and pain of animals because of man's oppression over them.
16. If you bond with people better by strategically placing animals between you.
17. If you know in your heart, Earth is a big cesspool, as you try to buy the next generation some more time.
18. If you strongly suspect you were an animal in your past life.
19. If you know in your heart ALL animals think, feel, reason, love, and communicate in their own languages; and just can't fathom why others don't see this obvious truth.
20. If you believe God honors and values the lives of all animals as much to die for as your own.
21. If you understand and embrace the concept of love to be unconditional and all-inclusive.
22. You value scientific findings based on how well they suit your own morality, not how well they provide consistent predictions or stand up to peer review.
23. You enjoy making people that struggle against dying from cancer feel selfish for using modern, animal tested medications.
24. You actually manage to convince yourself that tofu tastes good.
25. You know more about interpreting theological doctrine than the Catholic Church, all the Protestant Churches in America, and most of the current Rabbis combined.
26. You think that the Alaskan Iditirod is cruel, but think that fire-bombing somebody's place of business is cool.
27. You actually ponder the veganity of oral sex.
28. You're surprised that on the few occasions that you actually go into the woods, that all the deer and bunnies aren't hanging out with each other like in Bambi.
29. You'll actually sit somewhere else rather than move your pet off a chair.
30. You feel persecuted against because the wildlife management plans you and your buddies came up with in the coffee house isn't accepted by experienced field biologists.
31. You read stuff like this and respond by posting your own list somewhere that isn't really funny or interesting at all.
32. You are thrilled that you will live such a long and healthy life, but have a hard time finding someone to spend it with due to your 24 1/2 - 24 - 24 1/2 figure.
33. You drive through the ghetto, and when the poor people there take one look at you, they offer you their food stamps.
34. You prefer watching The Little Mermaid over Trials of Life any day.
35. You think that anyone opposing you is a red neck, and have recurring nightmares about your car breaking down in West Virginia or Mississippi (listen to CDB's "Uneasy Rider" to alleviate your fears).
36. You won't join the military due the fact that you are a pacifist and also don't condone their non-vegan rations, yet call hunters cowards.
37. You memorize the names of twenty famous and brilliant vegetarians from history and make heedless reference to them every chance you get, forgetting that most weren't actually vegans and thus didn't share your beliefs to begin with. You also seemingly forget the other thousand brilliant people or so that were meat eating contemporaries of your heroes.
38. Your lack of B-12 and essential amino acids causes you partially lose some vision, which has the odd effect of making certain passages in the bible unreadable to you.
39. You won't eat scallops or clams, which don't feel pain, even though you base your diet on preventing animal pain.
40. You spend all your time on the internet writing about the evils of meat, and spend all your time in the kitchen trying to make your vegetables taste like meat.
41. If given a chance to abolish hunting or the North American Man-Boy Love Association, you will get rid of hunting every time.
42. You spend all your time attacking meat eaters, yet overlook that quality in your lover, because that's the only person you can get to sleep with you.
43. Your family, not wanting to listen to your two hour diatribe about the evils of turkey farming on Thanksgiving, throw your tofurkey on the roof in an effort to actually get some peace and quiet.
44. You've actually considered pipe bombing the producer of "B.J. and the Bear" due to his heedless exploitation of animals.
45. You're into bondage and discipline, but can't find a master with only vegan, non-leather accessories, and thus live a sexually unfulfilled life.
46. You're really good at smuggling narcotics because the depressions between your ribs are so deep.
47. Three months after you start your vegan diet, your father is happy because he thinks you are cutting weight for the state wrestling championships.
48. You're sad, because the only other person you met that actually shared your views turned out to be an undercover FBI agent.
